“Courage: the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can’t practise any other virtue consistently.”
For the past few months, or maybe for years, perhaps as far back as I can remember, I have been in search of ….. something. I fail to pinpoint 'something'. Consume enough social media content and you are in search of yourself, or so it will make you think. But I am not in search of 'myself'.
Yet, I am in search of something, and I know that because I keep thinking - I need 'something'.
Reflections time and again lead me to accost myself - what am I searching for?
Happiness? Love? Money? Freedom? I’d answer ‘Yes’ to them all, but also a resounding ‘No’. These are things we all seek, the society has indoctrinated us to want these. But I am in search of something else, or am I?
The past few days have been overwhelming. Many things happened and are happening, in and around my life, some life-altering, some not-so-dramatic, some inevitable and some unacceptable (which I will eventually learn to accept).
Some milestones will be celebrated, and some painful stepping stones will be (somehow) graciously embraced. Unsurprisingly, I dislike change. Adapting to change is a turbulent and dramatic phase for me.
But the many changes and trials of the past days made me realise what I have been in search of – Courage!
Courage not in an aggressive manner of – “Toughen up! Just deal with it.” But courage to take one shaky step after another, especially on hazy days. Courage is a prerequisite to just about everything – to do something new, to change something old, to love, to confront, to simply be yourself. Courage at times is also the only option to get through any change.
Courage takes effort, it takes an entire self-monologue to do what you want to do, even when it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. I am not an inherently courageous person. I am a certified coward, something my friends and family will happily validate.
There are times when I am both.
The time when I quit an internship after seven days, citing toxic work culture, the time when I decided to pursue a Master’s program that no one truly understood, the time when I confronted conventional patriarchal norms at home and at work, and many more. All these times I searched for and found – Courage, within, to do so.
But then there was also the time when I didn’t confront a colleague when she bullied another, the time when I didn’t publish the short story that I believed in, the time(s) when I didn’t confront the glaring sexist remarks at home and at work, and many, many more. All these times when I searched for and didn’t find – Courage, within, to do so.
But, courage is a virtue that I have been trying to develop since childhood. There is a particular episode from my childhood that mummy and kaki narrate once in a while, usually for amusement and sometimes to highlight how I comfort my cowardly soul.
When I was two-and-a-half, kaki took me and my two-year-old cousin to an amusement park. Seated on a particular thrilling joy ride and just before it was about to start, I held my cousin’s hand. The toddler me, who must have been scared out of her tiny brain, then said out loud, “હાર્દિક, આપણે દરર નાલાગે ને? આપણે ના લાગે.” (Hardik, we aren’t scared right? We aren’t!)
Toddler Krupa and Hardik! #notscared
A coping mechanism back then that I use even to date. Unknowingly, I sometimes find myself intertwining my hands and repeating, “You aren’t scared right? You aren’t!” Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Those are times when I go in search of – Courage.
The reserves of courage are limited on some days, these are days when I have now learnt to seek and rely on external reserves. Courage on those days is borrowed. From mummy, who sits beside me in comforting silence while I have a breakdown; from the friend, who calls every day to simply ask if I am theek-theek (okay-okay), to let me know that she too is, and then go on to narrate some inconvenient but hilarious episode on adulting; from the friend, who reiterates that it’s okay, everyone has a screw loose somehow; from books with enriching stories; from music, movies, blooming flowers and from passing clouds.
Courage orients us, guides us and allows us to accept where we are with a conviction that we will somehow arrive where we want to go, as long as we get through today!
Here’s hoping I, you and us find the courage to ask for more, to be more, to be too much, to be enough, to be who we want to be, to love and to live as we want to.
Lastly, a reminder from Maya Angelou, encouraging us to seek courage:
“Courage: the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can’t practise any other virtue consistently.”
That is it for this newsletter! Hope you all find the courage within and without! I am always in solidarity.
At a recent exhibition, I (serendipitously) came across Painter, Sayed Haider Raza's hand-written letters. Raza's work was awe-inspiring if anything, but his letters were heart-warming.
Ahh! These letters made me sigh, lovingly, longingly.
Wish we could have letter correspondences in 2022. Would any of you be interested in it? Sounds dreamy! 🌺
As always, a song recommendation for you – Save the last dance by Bruce Willis. Raza’s letter, the wait for an impending thunderstorm and a mildly courageous soul have been swaying to it since morning.
Enjoy! And, enjoy glimpses of some things that I cherished the past few weeks.
Sending across comforting hugs and love,
KS
