Tales of Gender

Are these tales universal? Are they fictional? Maybe!

I have written some of the many tales, in no particular order, so enjoy them as they are - fascinating.

**

Every time a relative asks me if I can cook, I find it funny. It is funny, in the way that sad things are funny. They imply not-so-subtly that my ability to cook defines my worth as a ‘woman’.

At age 27, I am old enough to get married, yet my cousin brother who is also the same age is still young to marry and settle down.

**

I was 6 or 7 when (most) girls around me started keeping ‘Morakat Vrat’ (fasts). The five-day fasts are observed by unmarried/ girls to get an ideal life partner in the future. How glorious! My mother did not encourage this ‘tradition’ and did not ask me to fast, much to my dadi’s disapproval. I on the other hand was grateful to my mother, as I loved food and the thought of fasting seemed like an unwarranted punishment for a six-year-old, despite the enticing promise of an ‘ideal partner’.

However, year after year I kept wondering why my brothers weren’t fasting either? Didn’t boys aspire to an ‘ideal partner’? Why were they too risking their futures?

But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage, yet we don’t teach boys to do the same?

Why are women expected to make marriage-based changes that men are not expected to? Wearing a mangalsutra or applying sindoor or changing surnames. I have realised that people use the word ‘tradition’ to justify anything they haven’t questioned or comprehended.

**

The day before my History State Board exams, I got my period. I slept through the evening after swallowing a painkiller. A fogged brain, a cramped stomach and a hormonally imbalanced 15-year-old prayed, begged and dreamt of a world where she was a ‘boy’!

Over time, similar to how creepers grow - slowly but stealthily, I became dependent on my sibling and cousins to chauffer me around post certain hours. I only realised the crippling consequence of my dependence, when I now have minor bouts of panic and doubt, every time I want to go alone for a drive late at night.

Every time a female friend easily embraces the gender injustice, citing – “it is what it is, just deal with it”, I feel lonely in my experiences. To accept that gender rules are static and will never change, that it is I, who must learn to live with them, is unbearable.

**

On an all-girls trip, huddled around the breakfast table, the discussion gradually diverted towards the topic of – marriage. Nobody at the table was married as of then, we were all girls on the cusp of turning 25. One said, when she was 16, she was certain she’d be married by 24. Another said she had similar aspirations. The third said she had always dreamt of a conventional wedding with all the taam-jhaam. The fourth agreed and said, she’d get married by 27-28, most definitely.

Then it was my turn, I smiled but panicked inwardly. I had never dreamt of or passionately thought about by what age I’d be married. How did people know of a particular age?

Another friend, on the topic of marriage, said, “I am going to get married by 30-32!” A brash conviction in his voice. He wasn’t even dating anyone but the certainty that he was somehow sure he would get married by a particular age, baffled me. All that ran through my head at that moment was – to who?

Who are you getting married to? Wasn’t the who more important than the by when?

**

On a specific drive, when I shared my horrifying experience of almost being sexually assaulted when I was aged 13, with my friends, everyone smiled – a sad smile that didn’t meet their eyes. Every single girl in that car had an equally if not more traumatising experience to narrate.

On the days I suffer from crippling period cramps, I notice the men in my house sympathetically smile at me, they ask me if I need something, and provide for me in any way possible. But on those days I am never grateful for them, instead, I am envious. I look at their sympathy with contempt. If only I were a man.

Recently, on the first day of the workshop, which I was to conduct for the second and third-year architecture students – I spent 20 minutes that morning, deciding what to wear. What if my clothing choices were simply an extension of my personality and not a validation of my intellect as a woman?

**

A friend recently bought adorable ‘pastel pink’ coloured clothes for her one-day-old niece. And hours later I wondered, how early we indoctrinate gender norms. Why is pink for girls and blue for boys? Why do we stereotype genders that early?

Why do we teach girls the etiquette of being a girl, but we let boys be boys?

**

Over the past few years, I have come to realise that I might have been a boisterous extrovert had I been the opposite gender. If only I were a man.

**

Then again, I take a deep breath. These are tales. Tales I have lived through, tales I have experienced, tales that make my world!

Despite the many tales, most of which are not in my favour, there is hope. If we all observe, question and try to change the many issues with gender, one day at a time, we shall find a world where these tales are narrated differently, positively.

All of us, must do better, for one another! On that note, enjoy this (perfect) hibiscus! 🌺

Meanwhile, gratitude for the women in my life, who inspire, who support, who understand and who rebel - kindly, messily, loudly. Thank you!

Lastly, gratitude to the men in my life, who are feminists, who try to understand the disparity, who question and challenge their privileges and who when confronted have the humility to reflect. Thank you!

That’s all for this one!

As always a song recommendation – POV by Ariana Grande. How is it that the live performance is better than the studio recorded version? (I'd love to see me from your point of view!)

Found a tiny bookstore! (Sighs happily)
I have been practising ink paintings, finally. Quite fun, far too many stains though.
This lovely cappuccino! ​Exclusive touristy picture from Taj! I never shared these because my socks didn’t match my outfit ;)

Sending across love and a reminder that you too can wish upon lightning (irrespective of your age),

Krupa 🌺